This is hard for me to say. I feel like I’m saying to God who gave me this gift, “take it back” or “I don’t want it” which is NOT the case at ALL. I am so thankful for EVERY single day of this experience of being pregnant with our first child. And, I am really working hard on this post to NOT sound negative and to not complain. I’m just being real about my feelings, my guilt for not loving every minute of being pregnant and read the end…..I come full circle with this and tell you why I think I feel this way!!
It’s not what I thought it’d be! First of all, I thought I’d LOVE being pregnant and LOVE all the parts of it, feel great and never want the pregnancy to end. I thought I’d be able to say “I’ve never felt better” but I have felt better, much better. I feel best when I’m lean and can move and run. I feel best when I can eat all the healthy foods I love! Well, I don’t feel excellent and I feel a bit guilty for feeling that way.
I thought I’d want to be pregnant forever!! I met my husband at 15 so we’ve had many years of dreaming of our future together. I have looked forward to being pregnant for years….like dreaming of my wedding day, I dreamed of my pregnancy. But, unlike my wedding day that I didn’t want to end, I’m ready to meet this girl!!! It’s crazy!!! Before you experience things, sometimes you don’t get it. I didn’t really “get” that I would want to see and meet this little girl growing in there! Not saying I want pregnancy to end, just that I’m ready to meet her. I didn’t anticipate that feeling!
I thought I could say “I’ve never felt better!!” Well the first trimester was a wake up call. I’ve rarely felt worse than that two months! 🙁 And, even now during the honeymoon phase I don’t feel better than I ever have in my entire life. Thank goodness I don’t feel awful like I did the first trimester, but I don’t feel the best I’ve ever felt. In the shower today [all my best thinking happens in the shower!], I realized why……
Mobility! I love being lean because I can MOVE! I can bend over and bend backward and feel my muscles working. I can work out hard in the gym and feel strong. I can work out to the point of exhaustion and not have to worry about doing any harm to the little person inside that is more important than my ego or my physical goals. I can get in and out of my car easily, get dressed easily, etc. It feels comfortable to be lean. It’s getting frustrating not being able to bend and move!
Vulnerability! I didn’t realize that the tough FITori would feel vulnerable when out and about! I don’t feel as strong. I don’t feel like I could defend myself in any situation like I used to. I feel more vulnerable and that’s tough!
Hormones! This is coming from someone who doesn’t handle taking the birth control pill without getting “cooky!” [Mirena is my friend!] I do not do well with the added hormones. A pregnant woman has as much estrogen in her body in one day as a woman has in a year or something crazy like that. SO, it’s not surprising. But, I’ll tell you that I am not used to crying this much. I am not used to being offended as easily or as often…..NOT like me at all. And, I could live without the breakouts! 🙂
Kiss independence goodbye for a while! I really do hate asking for help but I do if I really must. I really, really hate asking, begging, nagging FIThubby for things. We’re busy people. There are times I want something done and I’d rather do it myself than be a nagging wife. Unfortunately, I don’t feel comfortable right now getting on a ladder or going into the attic. UGH! I have to ask, beg and nag for help. I hate it! [Let’s just say getting the Christmas decorations put away was tons of fun this year….read: sarcasm.]
Worry. Everything I feel makes me worry and wonder. What’s going on in there? Is everything ok? Am I eating the right things? I haven’t felt her move in a while? Is she ok? What is that stretch? that cramp? Every appointment I worry. I thought I’d eat really, really healthy during pregnancy….just like I did before. WOW! I never planned on all these food aversions and having to get really creative with protein! I had no idea! I worry about every ache and every feeling. I thought once 12 weeks came and went I’d feel better. Then, 16 weeks. Now after my next appointment I think I’ll stop worrying….hmmm…..
The moral of this story is…..I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe that this is all “training” for motherhood. Will I be as lean as I want to be right away after birth? Nope. Will I be able to “go” like I used to after the baby is born? Nope. Will I feel vulnerable when I have to protect my new baby? Yep! Will I have serious hormone surges after birth? Yep! Will I have to ask for help after having a newborn? Yep. Will I ever stop worrying about my baby for the rest of my life? Nope.
And, most importantly, will I feel like I LOVE motherhood every single day for the rest of my life? Nope. I’m assuming all mothers have guilt when they don’t love every minute of pregnancy and motherhood. We can’t love everything all the time anyway. I am a happy person though for the most part. I wake up happy, usually. I work hard to make my surroundings, my friends, my life happy. I have no doubt I will love my life after our baby is born. BUT life is not perfect.
So, my epiphany today makes me feel a bit better, realizing that these discomforts are preparation for the next phase of my life. I also realize that not loving every minute of pregnancy is okay. I am enjoying this while it lasts and all the perks of it and even laughing through already struggling to get off the couch because my belly is in the way.
Were you surprised with pregnancy? How did you feel? Did you feel better than you ever had in your life?
Did you feel guilty like I do for not loving every minute?