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Why I don’t love….Pregnancy [Part 1]

This is hard for me to say. I feel like I’m saying to God who gave me this gift, “take it back” or “I don’t want it” which is NOT the case at ALL.  I am so thankful for EVERY single day of this experience of being pregnant with our first child.  And, I am really working hard on this post to NOT sound negative and to not complain.  I’m just being real about my feelings, my guilt for not loving every minute of being pregnant and read the end…..I come full circle with this and tell you why I think I feel this way!!

It’s not what I thought it’d be! First of all, I thought I’d LOVE being pregnant and LOVE all the parts of it, feel great and never want the pregnancy to end.  I thought I’d be able to say “I’ve never felt better” but I have felt better, much better.  I feel best when I’m lean and can move and run.  I feel best when I can eat all the healthy foods I love! Well, I don’t feel excellent and I feel a bit guilty for feeling that way.

I thought I’d want to be pregnant forever!! I met my husband at 15 so we’ve had many years of dreaming of our future together. I have looked forward to being pregnant for years….like dreaming of my wedding day, I dreamed of my pregnancy.   But, unlike my wedding day that I didn’t want to end, I’m ready to meet this girl!!! It’s crazy!!! Before you experience things, sometimes you don’t get it. I didn’t really “get” that I would want to see and meet this little girl growing in there!  Not saying I want pregnancy to end, just that I’m ready to meet her. I didn’t anticipate that feeling!

 

I thought I could say “I’ve never felt better!!” Well the first trimester was a wake up call. I’ve rarely felt worse than that two months! 🙁 And, even now during the honeymoon phase I don’t feel better than I ever have in my entire life.  Thank goodness I don’t feel awful like I did the first trimester, but I don’t feel the best I’ve ever felt.  In the shower today [all my best thinking happens in the shower!], I realized why……

Mobility! I love being lean because I can MOVE!  I can bend over and bend backward and feel my muscles working. I can work out hard in the gym and feel strong. I can work out to the point of exhaustion and not have to worry about doing any harm to the little person inside that is more important than my ego or my physical goals.  I can get in and out of my car easily, get dressed easily, etc.  It feels comfortable to be lean.  It’s getting frustrating not being able to bend and move!

Vulnerability! I didn’t realize that the tough FITori would feel vulnerable when out and about! I don’t feel as strong. I don’t feel like I could defend myself in any situation like I used to. I feel more vulnerable and that’s tough!

Hormones! This is coming from someone who doesn’t handle taking the birth control pill without getting “cooky!” [Mirena is my friend!] I do not do well with the added hormones.  A pregnant woman has as much estrogen in her body in one day as a woman has in a year or something crazy like that. SO, it’s not surprising. But, I’ll tell you that I am not used to crying this much. I am not used to being offended as easily or as often…..NOT like me at all.  And, I could live without the breakouts! 🙂

Kiss independence goodbye for a while! I really do hate asking for help but I do if I really must.  I really, really hate asking, begging, nagging FIThubby for things. We’re busy people. There are times I want something done and I’d rather do it myself than be a nagging wife. Unfortunately, I don’t feel comfortable right now getting on a ladder or going into the attic.  UGH! I have to ask, beg and nag for help. I hate it!  [Let’s just say getting the Christmas decorations put away was tons of fun this year….read: sarcasm.]

Worry. Everything I feel makes me worry and wonder. What’s going on in there? Is everything ok?  Am I eating the right things? I haven’t felt her move in a while? Is she ok? What is that stretch? that cramp? Every appointment I worry.  I thought I’d eat really, really healthy during pregnancy….just like I did before.  WOW! I never planned on all these food aversions and having to get really creative with protein! I had no idea!  I worry about every ache and every feeling. I thought once 12 weeks came and went I’d feel better. Then, 16 weeks. Now after my next appointment I think I’ll stop worrying….hmmm…..

The moral of this story is…..I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe that this is all “training” for motherhood. Will I be as lean as I want to be right away after birth? Nope.  Will I be able to “go” like I used to after the baby is born? Nope. Will I feel vulnerable when I have to protect my new baby? Yep!  Will I have serious hormone surges after birth? Yep! Will I have to ask for help after having a newborn? Yep.  Will I ever stop worrying about my baby for the rest of my life? Nope.

And, most importantly, will I feel like I LOVE motherhood every single day for the rest of my life? Nope.  I’m assuming all mothers have guilt when they don’t love every minute of pregnancy and motherhood.  We can’t love everything all the time anyway. I am a happy person though for the most part. I wake up happy, usually. I work hard to make my surroundings, my friends, my life happy. I have no doubt I will love my life after our baby is born. BUT life is not perfect.

So, my epiphany today makes me feel a bit better, realizing that these discomforts are preparation for the next phase of my life. I also realize that not loving every minute of pregnancy is okay. I am enjoying this while it lasts and all the perks of it and even laughing through already struggling to get off the couch because my belly is in the way.

Were you surprised with pregnancy? How did you feel? Did you feel better than you ever had in your life?

Did you feel guilty like I do for not loving every minute?


Emily Grove - You are going through a very normal pregnancy sweetie. I felt guilting for not LOVING being pregnant the whole time. It’s normal and hard to deal with all at the same time. After having Emma I thought I’d be me immediately after. Boy was I wrong. I didn’t feel normal until around 6 months after. Give yourself credit. It’s your first, everything is new to you, and it sounds like you’re doing a great job. Everything will be great.

Hugs!!

Emily

tori - I have the best friends and am very thankful for you! 🙂 Thank you! 🙂

Tracy - Very honest post! I am not a fan of being prego one bit aside from being given the gift of carrying a child into this world. It is 40 weeks I could do without.
There are times when I do feel guilty for not loving every moment of being a mom. I have had too many people (as in more than 1) lose their babies in the short 3 years since I have had Connor. I never understood the impact of losing a child until I had one. When a good friend of mine from HS lost her son, it hit home and from that day I told myself I would never take one day for granted. Yes, I get frustrated and want to pull my hair out. But I quickly revert my thoughts to my many friends who would give their left arm to feel the frustration I was feeling from their little one who is no longer with them. I didnt mean to turn this comment into a depressing one, but I must admit that helps me to remember to REALLY REALLY try to love every moment.

Meghan - Tracy, such a good point! I have two kids really close in age and on any given day (minute) I struggle with them, perspective is good. The thing about feeling this way (pregnant or motherhood) is that you care, and that sets you up to be a step ahead of a lot of mothers out there. The fact that you’re doing this kind of worrying now, just means that you’re setting yourself up to be a great mom.

Being a mom is not all roses and rainbows all the time… if you’re doing it right. You have to be stern (not fun), you have to discipline (not fun), you have to say no (not fun). But if you do these things consistently, you get to really enjoy actual fun times a lot more often.

That said, if you ever want a reality check on breastfeeding which is fantastic, but also not roses and rainbows, let me know. It was a lot harder (but also a lot more rewarding) than I ever expeced it to be (and I’ve got more than 22 months experience with it).

jin @ soul+food - I’ve never been pregnant before, but I do commend you for being honest

Jess@atasteofconfidence - I haven’t been pregnant before, but I don’t at all think you should feel guilty for not loving any minute of it- you realize that it’s a blessing and you want to meet your baby, and that’s enough! Thanks for being honest:)

Lynley - Honestly, I probably would be extremely jealous of you if you said that pregnancy was a breeze, and amazing!LOL My first pregnancy was a huge surprise, did I love it? Not so much! Do I love my little girl? You betcha! Does she get on my nerves from time to time? YEP! As I’m sure I get on hers, too, but I wouldn’t trade a second of it! I hate when people give the roses and sunshine view of pregnancy and motherhood. It’s hard, and sucks at times, and is beautiful most of the time. With my second pregnancy, I knew it was my last, so I enjoyed every second of it, course it was completely different from the first one!LOL The delivery didn’t go the way I wanted for either one, and I had guilt for years about it, and finally realized. They are here, doesn’t matter how they got here. They are healthy, despite eating junk most of the time. That’s all that matters.

tori - Thanks Lynley!!! I love moms that take a positive attitude MOST of the time but are realistic that life is not perfect!

tori - Thank you for your comment Jess and thanks for reading my post and seeing my true intentions and feelings 🙂

tori - Thanks Jin!

tori - Meghan, I’d love the reality check on BF. I expect it to be tough!! I also expect to get through it somehow and to keep doing it…w/ the help of many resources if necessary and determination!

tori - Not a downer but real life. Friends who struggle to get pregnant is partly why I feel so bad not loving every minute of pregnancy. So, I can totally relate. Great perspective!

Christin@purplebirdblog - I can’t even imagine what it’s like to experience all of those changes. You are a dang cute preggo lady though! 😉

tori - Love you for saying this! 🙂 LOL! Thanks!! 🙂

Becky - I told my husband it was a good thing we got boy/girl twins because I dont think I could face being pregnant again. Horribly sick and less than zero energy for the first 4 months plus depression (never suffered from depression in my life and haven’t since. We did In Vitro to get those two babies and I was depressed!) Then I felt a bit better for months 5-6, but 7 hit and I couldn’t breath, bed rest with preterm labor for last 6 weeks. Kids were born at 37 weeks. I know it is different each time, but that one was bad enough to make me think my two might be enough. :). Your not alone!!

tori - So glad you got your 2 bundles of joy!! 🙂 Sounds like you had it tough and had a different experience having TWO in there…I’m sure you had MORE hormones than me….bless you! 🙂

joy - You are so right that pregnancy prepares you for motherhood! To me, it is SO completely amazing how such a small little person can start making his/herself known to us when just the size of small pea (often the size of a cell or two). It certainly is a sign of things to come. What was facinating with my pregnancy with Reagan, was that toward the end I’d wake up a couple times at night to go to the bathroom… which seemed so frustrating… But, it was wonderful too because when she arrived, I was already used to waking up and going back to sleep, so it wasn’t a complete shocker.

Another thing that I love about pregnancy is actually what you find a bit frustrating – how much the use of our bodies change. Yes, it’s frustrating to not have all the mobility and energy and the motivation I had before. (and I really like having a small waistline) But with each movement that’s impared and with each poke, prod and winded step, our bodies are working harder than any workout we could put ourselves through. We are doing what our bodies were created for – giving life – growing a person.

Just before Reagan was born, a wise woman told me that pregnancy and birth is the closest that we can come to sharing in the suffering of Christ. He gave His life so that many could live. His suffering and death was full of purpose and life. With pregnancy and birth, it is pain with a purpose. The only way for that little one to get here is through pregnancy and birth. These are the most tangible sacrifices we will get to make… and I’m sure just the beginning of what we give up so that our children might live.

Thank you so much for this sweet post!!! You rock as always!
xoxoxox

Michele @ Healthy Cultivations - Always feel like I should preface with the fact I’ve not had a child yet, but I think your honesty about not loving every aspect of pregnancy is wonderful. It’s likely feelings that every woman experiences but maybe doesn’t always talk about. Although having a baby is an incredibly beautiful and exciting time, it’s also traumatic on YOU physically and emotionally. I think it’s perfectly OKAY to not love every single aspect of it. You’re still YOU with wants, needs, and likes; you’re not JUST A MOTHER now. So it’s all fine… in my opinion.

Cailin @ Stir Crazy - When I was pregnant with my son (who’s now 1 1/2), I considered myself lucky that I didn’t experience morning sickness or food aversions. I get the feeling my next pregnancy will make up for it! I took advantage of (and liked!) taking it easier doing workouts (walking, elliptical, light weights and yoga). The end of the pregnancy I was definitely ready to meet him when I couldn’t sleep and had big swollen feet! I don’t want to sound like “that” person, but I really did love being pregnant… most of the time 🙂
I love your honesty! I think you’re right that what you’re experiencing is just prepping you for what’s to come. Regardless, you will love that little girl of yours and realize it was all worth it!!

Carly - What a great post! I’m terrified of being pregnant for all of these reasons. I just know that when I finally decide to have a child the end result will be worth it. I think it’s very courageous of you to speak the truth. Being pregnant isn’t all puppy dogs and rainbows. A friend of mine wrote a similar post and got chastised for “not wanting her baby”. How a mother feels during pregnancy has NOTHING to do with her feelings toward the baby. Good luck as your pregnancy continues!

tori - I don’t want to terrify you Carly! I’d love to read your friend’s post! Can you send me the link? I definitely do not complain on a daily basis to anyone, husband, friends or FB. I laugh about most of this b/c it is laughable. I am thankful. I had just hoped I’d feel wonderful. 🙁 Thanks for your encouragement!

tori - I’m glad you’re “that” person! Good for you!! There are many of you out there! And, I’m glad you enjoyed it and felt great! Thanks for allowing me to be honest and being supportive of that. I do think it’s prepping me and maybe you didn’t need that prep but I did?! Who knows! I can’t wait to meet her!!!!!!!!!

tori - It is traumatic and life changing. We are ready though and I think that makes it easier. We WANT this. BUT, I just had different expectations. And I’ve heard of women who have the same situation with motherhood and that doesn’t make them bad mothers. Thanks for your comments Michele!! I appreciate your opinion!

tori - Joy, you’re such a great friend! Thank you! I have definitely heard about the sleep disruptions during the last tri preparing mothers for a newborn. Coincidence? NO! I think it’s tougher right now b/c I’m not feeling normal movement, pokes and prods. And, I’ve had friends say they’ll leave all the discomfort of pregnancy and take the kicks, pokes and prods and I still don’t have those all the time and I’m still not sure if what I’m feeling is her. SO, not only do I feel like something’s wrong, I’m not getting the “fun” part yet! So it still feels surreal! And, I’m still scared that we’ll hear bad news at our appointment on Monday. You just never know.

Joy, I love what you say about the suffering of Christ! I’m saving that! Thank you so much for your comments and perspective. I appreciate you and your friendship and can’t wait to meet your little boy!!!! 🙂 I need an updated belly pic!! 🙂

Rach - Thanks for sharing. Pending any surprises, Christopher and I still have a little more time before we start our family, but the more REAL information I get about pregnancy, the more prepared I will be. I love reading about your experience and I know that someday when I’m miserable and my hormones are going nuts I can at least say, “I know Tori said something about this…” 🙂

Heidi - Don’t feel bad for writing this! I read your post today and decided to comment on this one. These are all totally normal feelings, and in fact they’re still mostly positive. I see so many women complaining so much about their pregnancies and it makes me sad. Yes it’s uncomfortable for everyone, but enjoy it! It’ll be gone so soon. And I can see that you realize that. I’ve had 2 fairly average pregnancies I think. I was very very very sick till about 7 months with both, and I also didn’t get too huge with either so I consider myself pretty fortunate. But even through the nausea and uncomfortableness I loved every minute and I can’t wait to do it again. Of course not everyone is as crazy as I am XD But I’m so glad to see your positive attitude even though you’re not enjoying pregnancy as much as you want to, or thought you would. Best of luck to you 🙂 I’ve been following you for a while, but maybe I’ll be a little more vocal now. I’m pretty baby crazy. LOL.

tori - Be more vocal Heidi! I will need your advice!! Thanks so much for your positive comment and letting me know that you read my positive tone in my posts. I don’t want anything on this blog to be negative but I don’t want it FAKE either! I think a lot of blogs are negative and full of complaints. And, others are so sugar-coated that they can make others feel bad! I try to have a positive attitude through life, good and bad. I can’t wait to hear more from you!!! And, I’m so sorry to hear you had 7 months of sickness. I truly feel bad for all women who have that! 🙁 I can’t imagine, especially while taking care of a little one! Bless you!

tori - I am the same way Rach. I love getting info. I love gathering it and if I need it, great and if not at least I was prepared! I was sooo prepared for our 1st year of marriage to be tough. I did research and read up on the identity crisis and all the things that might happen. None of it did. I was prepared though. I had a wonderful 1st year of marriage. I hope you have excellent pregnancies one day! 🙂 I hope I didn’t scare you!

Jo - I didn’t enjoy pregnancy, either. Nausea? Check. Hip, SI, and back problems? Check. Terrible skin? Check. Couldn’t breathe or sleep? Check. But I did it twice because of the end result: 2 beautiful (and healthy) kids…who drive me crazy a lot. There’s a lot of guilt associated with motherhood, so try to cut yourself some slack and find other moms who don’t pretend that everything is always perfect. P.S. My sister is also due in June. 🙂

Kristina @ Life as Kristina - Wow…do I respect your honesty! I always tell my friends “don’t tell me it’s rainbows and butterflies-tell me the truth, I want to know how bad it sucks!”

tori - HAHA! Thank you!! There are parts of everything that suck, right? It’s so great to build a new house, but there are parts that suck! I’ve definitely heard some parts of birth that suck! But the end result is so awesome!! 🙂 I’m so glad you’re hear and I love your comments!

tori - When in June? I have so many friends pregnant right now! And, my SIL will be having my nephew 6 weeks before me! So excited! 🙂 I know that I will not love every minute of motherhood. It will be a tough transition. It will not be perfect. BUT I want her. I want to be a mother. I am ready. I have worked for 7 years w/o kids and I am ready. We have been married for almost 7 years and we are ready. SO I feel like that helps. I may be asking you questions when the time comes and asking for someone to relate!

Melissa - I haven’t had any children and am not planning to for awhile so I don’t know how you are feeling. But I thank you so much for writing this post because I don’t think a lot of women would verbalize what you have…and they should be honest!! So, thank you:)

Courtney F - I think this is normal to feel this way! I did at one point or 6! Its like your body is taken over without your control. My advice is to focus on what you do enjoy(that could be hard, I know).

Caitlin (EatFeats) - Hey that’s totally okay! Pregnancy is hard!

I’ve never wanted to go through labor or to have my own kids (not bc I don’t want kids but bc I have bad genes and would rather adopt), but I HAVE romanticized pregnancy. It sounds like so much fun because you have a baby in you and a cute little belly. I doubt the reality is as I am envisioning it!

tori - Have you read my post on Genes and Heredity? http://67.210.106.37/~fitoriblog/blog/2011/01/13/heredity-genes-and-health/
That topic is near and dear to my heart! I’m sure it’s easy to romanticize. I did it too. I’m realizing though that it’s more fun when you can feel them move and kick which really just started this week. And, before this it has been all the NOT fun stuff with little of the fun stuff! And, there’s more worry when you can’t feel them move.
I’ve also heard friends say that labor is easier than the whole 9 months of pregnancy 🙂 Depends who you talk to! 🙂 We’re all so different. Too bad you don’t know exactly what you’re signing up for before you get preggo, but it’s all worth it in the end and you forget it all….at least that’s what I hear! 🙂

Jessi - Im currently 24 weeks into my second pregnancy and feel so much the same! I wish I had read something like this before my pregnancy…reality! Pregnancy is not all people make it out to be, but being a Mum is great 😀

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